you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
