you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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