In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
