If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
