Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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