under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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