He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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