Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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