got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
