I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
