I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
