Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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