I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
