one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
