I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize