Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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