remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
