I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
