I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
