and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
