and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
