Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
