I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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