dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
