Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
