gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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