I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
