I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
