the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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