My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize