Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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