my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
