toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
