i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
