At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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