Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
