Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize