Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
