I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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