Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
