I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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