go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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