Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
