I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
