i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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