he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
