recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
