I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
