i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
