so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
bring money and cleavage
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
