Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
