Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
