Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
