Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
