So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
