I'm gonna have a badass scar
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
