Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
